had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
