The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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