he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
