Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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