A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
