I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
