I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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