I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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