She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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