Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
