Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
