If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
