I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
