I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
