I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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