butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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