my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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