dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
