I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
