Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
