My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
