mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
