I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Houston, we have a squirter
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
