This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
