im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
