Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
