By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
