I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
be right there i have to get my cape
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
