Swine flu. Run for my life!
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
