today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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