I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
