If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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