she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
