Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
