Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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