i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
