I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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