he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
ttyl tear gas
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
