I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
