I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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