note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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