I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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