could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
