so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
