We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
