I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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