I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I intend to get homeless drunk
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
