I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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