I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
