Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
