fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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