I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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