if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
As shirtless as possible
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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